life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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