Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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