sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
