I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
