don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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