i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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