Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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