How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
