i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize