Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
