yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
