Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize