How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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