i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
