The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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