Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
