I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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