just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
