Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
