apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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