you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Houston, we have a squirter
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
