im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you had me at cake vodka
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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