The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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