a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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