I need to stop coming to work sober
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
