he was CRYING into my vagina
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
