If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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