FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
