hell yes lets make some ravioli
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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