I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
