just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
