I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize