I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
