im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
