My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
