A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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