Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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