My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
