Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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