I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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