he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The air was thick with penises
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
