You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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