hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize