Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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