"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
