i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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