I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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