i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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