i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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