somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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