How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
