I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I fill condoms, not promises.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
