im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
