Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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