Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
