Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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