why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
