Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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