watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
