I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize