OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Boobs speak an international language.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
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