You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
